pebbol: (ranmaru sitting there being sexy)
[personal profile] pebbol

✼ Well, it's December now, which means it's time for a goal post, update post, planning post all wrapped into one lovely entry! Lists lists lists!


✼ So I got a gingivectomy done and the actual procedure was really nice. I was awake for the whole thing. Pain was like a 1, which was mostly the initial numbing and a little discomfort. The issues started about 30-45 minutes after the surgery was over. If you aren't familiar with the procedure, basically for people who have really "gummy" smiles it removes some of the gum tissue in order to make the teeth show more to have a fuller smile. There are other reasons like gum disease or whatever but that's why I had it done for, cosmetics. You can see it on my bottom teeth in the second set of photos how high my gums come up.

✼ They had given me some lame ass ibuprofen which was just not going to fucking cut it. So my mom and granny summoned the Norco, which I had never had before. It wasn't so much a painkiller for me so much as a knock-your-ass-out type deal. Like, I couldn't take it and stay awake lol. It was wonderful for helping me sleep, too. Although the next two pictures probably don't support that statement much lol.

✼ Once the Norco was introduced, I pretty much was a pain pill addict for like 4 straight days. I was popping it every 2 hours on the nose. Norco + Tylenol 3, + Ibuprofen 800 it is a miracle my damn heart ain't stop lol. Though I was pretty sick from it all too. Ibuprofen is a monster on the stomach and the narcs did not help.

✼ By Thanksgiving, I was up walking around and cooking albeit still feeling a little more like roadkill and a little less like human. Made dressing, mac&cheese, potato salad, green beans, 2 sweet potato pies, peach cobbler, turkey, 2 corned beefs and I think thats it?

✼ Mother and grandmother tipped into the alcohol a little early and I kicked them out my kitchen lol. No mother let's not put Hennessey in the dressing okay? Granny, you put the wrong thing in there -- again! Out both of you!

✼ In the first two photos, the scaly stuff is a tissue glue that he used to keep the sutures in place. The third is more of the surgery, the fleshy pink bits are where he sliced my gums and kinda rearranged it. This was the bit that hurts most during this recovery.

✼ Other unintended side effects....I lost 14 pounds (6.35 kg) in 7 days. My diet has been water, chocolate ensure+, applesauce, and pills. Nothing else. And it showed. All the narcs has given me a serious case of constipation though, sigh.

✼ I'm now 10 days post op and I'm just starting to transition back to solid foods. I can't bite into foods just yet cause the underside of the left side is still healing - I think the sutures came out too early. But solid food, yes. Amazing.

✼ Other unexpected side effects, how emotional I became. I was a crying weeping bawling mess 99% of it. I mean I couldn't stop all the crying I was doing. I guess I felt lonely cause I couldn't eat with the family and they all but banished me to my room and I was feeling lonely and isolated and just a whole lot of internal negativity flared up for me.

what's a journal without the mention of boys, eh?

❅ So if you didn't know, I had two main friends on my case. One friend, Deonte, I kinda really liked but had issues with and one, Edgar, I just didn't like at all romantically at any point whatsoever. I would like to preface this by saying, I have never, ever, led Edgar on. I have been up front like 2 years in a row with my vehement romantic disinterest in him. At some point last year we also had a bit of a blowup over this exact same thing but of course boys will be idiot boys. So let's talk each situation separately.

He's a really nice guy, I'm sure he'll make some lady happy. But it won't be me. I don't find him physically attractive and he and I have some issues about what the fuck he thinks I would be to him. He's like 6'4 and all and all really nice. Just not my type lol. Probably because he has this really really really soft voice and I just don't find it attractive at all. But it's more than that.

He's liked me for a very long time I guess. We went to high school together but I never gave him any thought because he was my boyfriends friend and I wasn't really interested in most of his friends like that. We didn't even talk in high school. We started talking around idk 2013/2014? I graduated in 2011 for reference. And it has never been a romantic thing. There have been snarky comments, yes but those are in the context of a bigger conversation where all 2/10 of us (my ex-boyfriend and I) are lowkey flirting for no fucking reason and everyone else just hops on the boat and we keep it going. But it never went as far as any actual dates or anything.

My issues with E, flared up particularly badly because out of all the times he said he liked me and whatever he never actually said that he liked me like as a person. It was always, "Oh your hair. Oh you're a black girl. Oh your legs. Oh the way you dress." But it never was, "You have a nice personality. You have this about you that I like." As far as I was concerned any black girl with natural hair, goals, and played videogames would do for him.

Then there came the issue of, you should marry me so I can get my naturalization papers. Ummmmmmm, no. Don't get me wrong, I'm very sympathetic to the plight of DACA kids in this country. But that doesn't excuse you for trying to play on my sympathies to satisfy two of your goals. Miss me with it.

THEN CAME...I'd love to have kids with you because I always wanted a mixed baby. A little Blaxican. Erm, excusez-moi? I didn't quite catch that. You said you only wanna fuck me so you can have a mixed baby? Which definitely threw my hackles up cause

.start rant.

that seems to be the going trend these days and I'm sensitive because it feels like erasing my black culture and everyone wants a mixed baby so their kid can have what is considered that "good hair" and "light skin" and I'm not apologetic when I say I vehemently hated every light skin black girl (AND GUY) I've ever met because from day 1 they have this complex that they are better than the rest of us and society reinforces it and no fuck you and your idea of wanting a "mixed baby".

All I want is a healthy baby...with hair like lambs wool. Fuck your european brainwashing.

.end rant.

[ profile] koyaaniisqatsi summed it up best in the past entry, "Bye, Felipe."

So after we had that little meltdown last year cause he felt threatened by Deonte who was my current dance partner, we didn't talk from like October 2015 to April 2016. I played it chill and just did my thing as usual.

So check this series of messages out.

Why thank you I've been telling you for about 2 years now that it drives my anxiety up the wall yet you consistently did it because it made you feel good. And this is true, I generally just don't like people touching me, especially men and raised a bit proper and men that are not family or that I am not dating and know and feel comfortable enough with I generally am not hugging. To me this just shows a blatant disrespect of my feelings and it was very irritating to me. So good riddance.

Context: I had been quiet, thinking about a boy that I actually likee lol. I had just come from his place and it really left me feeling some kinda was so I probably came off absent minded in conversation. More on that in the Deonte section though.

So far, it seems really okay right? A cool friend checking on his other one. Fine.

This happened later on and notice that I did not reply, lol. I'm done feeding into this. But even this doesn't seem that bad. Until they 2am whining bitchfest phone calls start. As usual. So he calls and whines and calls me a bitch and I literally mute the phone and go back to sleep lol. This happens every few months but I'm getting tired of it very quickly. I tried to be a nice friend to him knowing that his feelings ran deep. I even allowed him to buy me a fucking birthday gift and get lunch a few times because it seemed to mean so much to him. Under the circumstance of friendliness. Though I knew deep down and I told several people this that this is just his way of getting my attention and nothing else. This gift comes attached with an unspoken, "look at me! i'm buying you things! i see you! love me back!" and here we go again lol.

He jealous of D, but I can't help that. He gets upset and moody if I'm texting someone but him and let me tell you it ain't nothing worse to me than a possessive friend. Fuck off with that. I can text other guys and if you ask me I will tell you. I'm texting Deonte. I'm texting Evan (my ex but also best friend). I'm texting Paris (Evans friend). I'm texting Alana. I'm texting Ebbie. So the fuck what. I can text other people. Go away. So I knew this was coming a mile away after I said that I would be spending much more time with D since he'd be going through a rough time and would need some help. He probably didn't liek it but I'm not gonna lie to him, "No I don't wannna hang out with you. I wanna hang with someone else. I'm going to because they need my help." More on this situatiin in the Deonte section though.

Now I try very hard to be considerate of other peoples feelings. Especially those that like me. But we're also adults. I'm not going to baby you either. So if he doesn't talk to me for the next how long, what the fuck ever. I got more important shit to do than be hyperconsiderate of every move I make cause of you.


Preface, he's cute okay. I think he's attractive, but dense and emotionally stunted. This is also someone who has professed their undying love and refuses to consider any other girl...right? So a little history on Deonte.

He and I have known each other since about 2008. He's a year older than me. November Scorpio. (All the scorpio men I've met and good lol) Tall too, 6'4ish now? Well spoken, partially college educated (something that makes me iffy, personally because boys are fucking sensitive). He just refuses to fucking finish his computer science/business degree. He's extremely friendly.  Too friendly in my opinion. That may make me mean but I know people and I know how people operate and my spidey sense are rarely wrong.

He and I have a lot in common and I find him so easy to talk to. I wake up wanting to talk to him, I want to hug him, I want us to have a life together. But, I don't know if we are compatible in terms of life goals. I find him to be very much a yes man, and I don't like yes men. This brought a lot of contention between us because he and I would make plan but something else would come up that he couldn't say no to. Like...this one girl always killing herself when she found out that he and I planned to hang out together.

Call me mean I don't care, I told him that at this point I'm ready for the girl to actually kill herself because she'd be less of a thorn in my fucking side. If she was going to kill herself, she'd do it. Call the fucking ambulance and keep it fucking moving. But this is his friend and he just can't say no's very irritating for me becasue this happened like 4 times consecutively. If it wasn't her, it was his friends. "Sorry can we reschedule, the guys wanna work on the YT channel tonight."

No no I'm just gonna sit here at the restaurant by my fucking self, maybe the waiter would like to eat with me.

I guess I'm a terrible friend, I'm okay with that. I'm not perfect, I don't try to be. But I don't let anyone manipulate me be it emotionally and physically. Suicide will not win you any points, I'll be a little sad and move the fuck on. I'm going to live with my decisions just like you died with yours.

So this was last year when he also pissed me off royally and I just stopped talking to him. He'd lost a job and I'd manage to secure him an interview where he was all but guaranteed the job if he'd shown up. $18/hr, salary, benefits the works. At a bank. He didn't show, cause that girl decided to want to kill herself. Again. It made me so mad I couldn't even begin to formulate a response. I was so embarrassed because I put my fucking neck on the line, and once again he fucks up. He could have at least called. He didn't do anything. So I pretty much just told him to fuck off and he did.

Fast forward to a month or so ago, he pops back up and I'm considerably calmed down but still somewhat disappointed and my feelings are hurt. But I know how to keep it on back burner and move on. Just won't be putting my neck on the line again. He drops the bomb that his mother and grandmother are going to jail. I feel the stress and I'm eager to help him cause maybe if I can get a sliver of his attention for a fucking fraction of a second he can see that hey that girl you said you liked so much likes you back and you keep actively ignoring her what the fuuuck. So I invite him for dinner on Thanksgiving and despite not feeling well I'm eager for him to visit and meet my family particularly my mother because her opinion means a lot and her judgment is usually solid. Naturally, "Do you think you could put me a plate aside? I wanna go visit a few friends of mine, her family made me a plate."

Sigh. Here we go again. I was sad naturally so I just made him a plate and put it away, took my pain meds and went the fuck to sleep cause my day was pretty much shot. So saturday afternoon I take him his place and I'm hoping to just be able to talk with him alone for a while. No dice.

He failed to mention that he was moving back into his grandmother's house, that he was having issues with his roommates, that he needed help cleaning his grandmothers house up. I knew none of this when I got there and I felt like a fucking idiot because I was so happy to see him when he came to let me in the house. Then my heart kinda drops. We walk in and there's a guy helping him clean. Okay fine, I'll deal. So we sit down for a little while and talk and I'm happy again cause finally we have a minute to talk face to face. He seems to like the food (which I know was good, ya girl can cook /toots own horn/) and he complimented me and I'm pleased. Cause I love cooking for people.

Then a girl walks in.

I immediately assume some things based on this girls appearance. First off, she's rocking the shaved, dread, colored yarn in the hair thing. Tons of tattoos. Overall, not the kinda girl you'd probably see me hang with without some sort of introduction from someone else. I'm working on myself still, leave me alone.

So I'm not immediately comfortable but my mind immediately supplies, "How unladylike." But I don't say a word this is his company, and I don't have any right to interject with my feelings despite the fact that he and I were having a private conversation in a public room. And she really don't phase me personally. Whatever, I'm just watching now.

So she comes in and he's eating from the plate I brought him, and she demands a piece of what he's eating. And he tells her no. (smile.) And she gets all whiny and whatnot and he just keeps eating. He introduces us and she walks back out. Alright fine, that was okay. So he and I finally have a bit of laughs and just a nice conversation and she wants to come in the room and play Skyrim or Minecraft.

He says go ahead. This is my cue to leave. Because it's not 1 girl, but 2 girls who show up this time. WTF D.

Outside we talk a little more, I get snooty of course. "I thought they were here to clean. Not much looks clean to me." Petty, but true. He says something that pisses me off internally [Yeah they'll be staying here for 2 weeks] and I just kinda give him a hug and say we'll go out for lunch or dinner or something next week if I'm feeling up to eating more solid foods hopefully.

But I can't let it go. I drive three blocks, pull over, and burst into tears, okay? I'm upset as hell but I shake it off and go on home to my parents. Mom immediately notices something is wrong but wisely doesn't say anything.

Later on that night I have to ask what's been bothering me. "Why didn't you ask me for help? I know I've been sick, lately. But I could help. I could fold clothes, mop, do dishes." Why did you exclude me again? I thought you said that I was important to you?

Here comes another issue I have, his responses. He replies, "Perhaps I find them more expendable than you." What the...He has this complex I've noticed. It's like he's not based in fucking reality some times and he thinks he's the protagonist of an RPG. His responses make me uncomfortable because they come off almost serial killer like. It is also a big reason why I'm really hesitant in being really really forward with my affections, sometimes I just don't know if he can emotionally deal with a real relationship. His priorities are still kinda fucked to me too.


So idk there's some boy gossip for you and an update on my surgery. Part 2, wow I need a part 2, lol. This entry got out of control fast. But the next one will be happier? I guess.

Can't wait for  2017 man, I'm done with the BS. I'm gonna go off and be a fucking doctor and sip on my damn drank.

Date: 2016-12-03 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad the surgery went well! Though I'm sorry the recovery was painful. I hope you're feeling better & back to normal soon! *hugs*

The boy situation sounds complicated. Edgar needs to accept you don't like him in that way and move on. And you deserve better than Deonte. *hugs*

Date: 2016-12-03 05:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That's great that the surgery went well, but I'm sorry that recovery was painful :(

Edgar definitely needs a reality check, to know that you don't like him and to move on.


Date: 2016-12-03 05:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Norcco is ridiculous! I had to take it after I broke my leg last year, and it made me itch and feel spacey and out of it and not super good. But I'm glad it helped with the pain management, and that you're feeling better!

Boys are crazy. That's all.

Date: 2016-12-04 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
those guys... wtf. :( you deserve better

Date: 2016-12-08 11:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Both those boys have some issues they need to sort out. You just keep focusing on the important stuff until a decent man makes himself known.


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December 2016

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